I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
