he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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