anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
