Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
