I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
