proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
