and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
