i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
