Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
