can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
babies were throwing up all over the place
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
