I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize