I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
