TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
People in love make me want to vomit
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
