ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
