i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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