I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
