my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
