I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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