just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
