I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
