I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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