Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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