My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
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I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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