mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
