Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Is it because I queefed?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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