12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
