just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You have to summon your inner elephant
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Floor bacon is actually really good
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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