You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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