and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
