I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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