I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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