Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
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