I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
