Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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