who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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