I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
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