Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
you never un-have a 4some
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
