his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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