If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
