I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
