I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
