we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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