i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
