You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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