is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
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It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
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Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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