i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
