i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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