it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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