i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize
