The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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