nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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