Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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