my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
