listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
