i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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