Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
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