im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
